


At least I'd be with you...

by vibing_to_music



Category: The Beatles (Band)
Genre: Around 1966 ig, Crying Paul McCartney, Cuddling, Dom John Lennon, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gay cuz who doesnt love gay ships tbh, John Lennon - Freeform, Love, M/M, McLennon, Mentions of self-harm, Self-Harm, The Beatles - Freeform, a little angsty, paul mccartney - Freeform, this is really cute trust me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:28:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29695044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vibing_to_music/pseuds/vibing_to_music
Summary: George just died and John tries to comfort Paul while he's talking about self-harm and other things. But it's not completely angsty, the ending is quite cute :)
Relationships: John Lennon & Paul McCartney, John Lennon/Paul McCartney
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	At least I'd be with you...

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there :D So uhm yeah this is my first oneshot. At first this was a roleplay my friend and I did but then we thought a ff would be pretty cool so I edited it a little and here it is. This kind of takes place in an alternete universe, because John is alive, but George isn't. Don't read this if mentions of self-harm trigger you!

"I miss George so much, Johnny", Paul said weakly and looked at John with his big, teary eyes. "Me too, Paulie, me too...", John answered quietly. "Its just-", as expected, Paul started crying, "It‘s so hard losing my loved ones... first my mom, now George. Please just promise me you'll never leave me, I wouldn't know what to do without you, I love you too much to even start thinking about who I would be if you weren't here." 

John wiped Paul's tears away with his thumb. "Look luv, I know it's not easy. Remember when my mum died? We sat in your room on your bed and you just held my hand the whole evening to comfort me. And since then, Paul", he got choked up, "Since then I know that death is a part of life and I am sure that George is happy up there.. He is waiting for you and me and Ringo. Therefore I tell you darling, if I die some day... If I die, don't be upset, because I will still love you and I will wait for you up there with George..." John hugged Paul gently and planted a soft kiss on his hair. 

"I'm so grateful for you John you can't even-", Paul started breathing heavily, "I can't even bear the thought of you not being here, and how-", his voice cracked suddenly, "How can I be certain, Johnny? I can't. I can't be certain you're gonna be looking at me from up there when you-", tears streamed down the younger man's face, "when you die... I should just believe, right? That's the key. I should just believe you're gonna protect me even when youre not with me. But- it's gonna be hard John, I wouldn't know who or what to live for if it wasn't for you." John tried to comfort his former bandmate by shushing into his ear, but Paul just couldn't stop crying. “What if I would start thinking about purposely joining you, my mom and George up there? What should I do then? I could just get a knife and end everything y'know? At least I'd be with you..."

“Oh.. Paulie“, John sighted and pressed Paul‘s head to his chest. He waited a few seconds in silence while constantly stroking Paul‘s back. After he processed everything his boyfriend just said he finally found the right words. “Look in my eyes...“, Paul slowly looked up at John. “I love you“, he cupped Paul‘s face in his hands. “And you know.. I am not good at showing my feelings and it hurts me to see you like this luv. So please let us enjoy this moment here and every minute we‘re gonna spend together…“ John gave Paul a concerned look, “Promise me, that you wont harm yourself no matter what. It‘s not what Mary or George or me would want, do you understand? Please“ John asked with a trembling voice, “Stay alive for... for me, for all of us...“, the older man kissed Paul’s lips carefully and noticed that Paul wasn’t crying anymore.

"I love you so much John", Paul whispered defenselessly, "Thanks for always being there for me. And you're right, we should enjoy every moment we've got, because it can end anytime, like it did with George. It was just so sudden and unexpected, he didn't have enough time to persue his dreams and archive his goals and I'm worried we won't be able to do that either...", Paul nearly started crying again but he tried to control his breath and it worked. He couldn‘t feel all the tears running down his face anymore. "I‘m so glad I've got you, Johnny. And, about harming myself...", Paul looked deeply into John's eyes. Was that a tear in his eye? Paul couldn’t tell. "You're the one who knows how hard it was for me to stop self-harming after my mother died. But I'm glad I did and I won't do it again" Paul put his head on Johns shoulder and felt really relieved. He didn’t think that John would be interested in having this conversation, Paul always saw him as the tough man he usually was, he had never seen this sweet and caring side of John before, but he liked it a lot.

John remained silent, he was completely overwhelmed by this conversation. He tried to hold back his tears... It has always been difficult for him to express his feelings. He has been bottling up all his emotions for years. John looked at Paul's soft hands and smiled sadly. The scars... all over his wrists. They were still visible. John slowly placed his fingers on them and traced them carefully. "You are so beautiful", he mumbled, "so, so beautiful, luv"...

Paul lowered his gaze, and mumbled, "It's just... it's been such a relief, you know, to be able to make yourself feel something else than sadness and anger. These...", he choked, because he had never really talked about this to anyone, "sometimes I look at these cuts and i nearly give into the temptation of picking up my knife again and feeling the great pleasure of the pain and-" Paul shuddered. "Well, you know the rest", Paul sniffled between his words. "I'm so sorry I'm such a mess, John, you deserve so much more than some bloody suicidal bastard like me."

John wasn't sure how to react so he just hugged Paul. "Please don't...stop talking about yourself like that", John brushed some hair out of Paul's face. “I love you and you love me… That’s the only thing that matters right now.“ 

Paul nodded slightly, it wasn't even visible, but John knew him too well not to notice it. He knew every curve of his body, every movement, every sound he made... John could even recognize him by smell. Whilst thinking that and running his right hand through Paul’s messy brown hair John noticed, that his boyfriends‘ breaths slowed down, he fell asleep in John’s arms. John looked at the younger man. “Good night“, he whispered quietly. Paul was so handsome as he slept, those steady breaths, this steady heartbeat… they made John fall in love with Paul all over again.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this short oneshot, feel free to comment. Peace and love <3


End file.
